The Greek Toilets

How come they never work?

I have never understood what there is about Greek toilets - and the plumbing in general. In 1984, my friend Bobby, who rents out rooms in Mykonos, hung a huge poster on the back of the bath room doors, impossible to miss when you were sitting down on the toilet seat. The poster said: This is Greece, the land of broken toilets, please don’t throw anything into the toilet, not even toilet paper.

Frequently one of the guests forgot and the result of a sheet or two of toilet paper in the toilet would be blocked pipes and a flood. The problem got drastically worse in the month of August, when the Italian tourists invaded the island. Whether they understood the English-written text on the poster or not, they totally ignored the message. At that time, I was working in a bar down town, with a toilet in a tiny storage room on the back street. I still have vivid images of opening the back door to face a stream of shit running down the street. Another bar guest who had ignored or forgotten or not seen the sign about throwing paper in the bin, not in the toilet.

I could somehow get that barren Mykonos had a water flushing problem. There was no proper water reservoir on the island and there could go three years between every rainfall. Spending loads of water flushing the toilet seemed undeniable as an unfordable luxury. But it wasn’t only the toilets that were a problem. I often used to shower at my boss’ home after work, so that I wouldn’t need to go all the way out of town to where I was living. It was crucial to remember to turn off the electricity (and shower in darkness) as otherwise you’d risk getting electrocuted.

Even in brand new houses there’s always a leak somewhere, hot water coming out of the cold water tap and vice versa or taps falling off the walls. Twenty years on the sign is still hanging on Bobby’s bath room doors. The Greeks might have switched from drachma to Euro, arranged the Olympic Games and won the Eurovision song contest, but they still haven’t got the plumbing thing right.

As I’m writing this, my husband is breaking up the cement in our yard, trying to get to the pipe leading from the house to our septic tank, to find out and hopefully clear out, whatever has been blocking the pipe for the past nine months. When we built the house, I insisted on pipes wide enough for toilet paper to pass. As usual, insisting on something unheard of, the answer was “den yinetai, it’s not possible.” Well, when you tell the plumber that everywhere else in the world it actually is possible, and that Greece is the only place where you can’t throw paper in the toilet, he suddenly remembers that this can be done, after all. For an extra fee, of course. But that doesn’t mean that the job is done to last! The plumber has been here several times, has done something with some of his tools, and got his 50 Euros. And the pipe is still blocked.

Funnily, they once did it right. We live close to the ancient site Phillipi and among the excavations there are the public toilets. 40 marble seats built in the shape of the Greek letter Π, with water that was running in a narrow, open marble pipe from one end to the other – as you sat down you’d have the pipe between your feet and the seat. You’d have a stick with a sponge on to dip in the water and wipe your bottom. Obviously, the most attractive seat was close to where the water started running, not in the end. As for marble, it could be pretty cold towards your ass in the winter. The solution? Send down the slaves to heat up the seats!

Like I said - once upon a time they actually did get it right! Return from Greek Toilets to Kairos homepage